How To Solve Any Problem! 7 Self-Government Principles - by Nicholeen Peck

The best way to teach your children to live by principle is to live by principle yourself. This is a story of when I was tempted to react, but chose to be assertive instead.

Morning Exercise

Our family loves to go exercise at a local city gymnasium in the Winter time. I usually go walking while the children roller blade or shoot hoops with the basketball. So, we were rather surprised one day when we noticed a new sign at the building saying that basketballs and roller blades, among other things, would no longer be allowed in the building during exercise time.

When we noticed the sign we were right in the middle of rollerblading and playing ball. Have you ever had that feeling of guilt mixed with confusion, mixed with anger? Well, that was my first impulse. I didn't know why the rules had suddenly changed and felt attacked. No one likes change.

As I walked around the gym watching my children break the rules I started dreaming up ways I would speak out against this unfair treatment. I imagined some cranky lady calling the city complaining about having to share the building with children. I had been really careful to make sure my children didn't ever bother any other exercisers if they should happen to be using the building at the same time we were, so this was a shock.

I have never liked it when people give in to complainers and end up taking someone else's freedom away in order to please the one person who can't control their emotions or seek to understand others.

As I was pondering my assumptions of why this disturbing sign had appeared at our city gym, I had an epiphany. Like lightning striking me, I realized that I was dangerously close to doing the exact thing I was assuming someone else had done, or worse.

Problem Solving Process – Disagree Appropriately

Whenever I start feeling emotionally out of control or agitated I think, “What principle do I need to focus on here?”

These principles are listed here as problem solving steps.

  • Connect In Person
  • Seek to Understand
  • Pre-Teach
  • Be Assertive instead of Aggressive or Passive/Aggressive
  • Use Diplomacy
  • Disagree Appropriately
  • Make a Proactive Plan

Connect In Person

Calling or emailing someone is easier, but going in person to discuss a concern is always better. Then the person you are talking to can really feel your heart and see that you don't want to create a problem or make life hard for them. Problems can't be solved to make both sides happy if there isn't an honest heart-felt connection first.

Seek To Understand

Seeking to understand others is a sign of love. It is naïve to expect someone to want to understand me if I don't want to understand them. So, I knew I needed to show the director of parks and recreation that I understood her. After all, she had a hard job. People in her position have to deal with angry people day after day and rarely ever get thanks.

I said, “I know your job is one of the hardest jobs in the city. People call you to complain every day about everything from snow removal to problems with facilities. I don't want to be one of those people, but I do have a concern I would like to discuss...”

Pre-Teach

If you can remember, it is always preferable to tell someone what you are about to do before you do it. This decreases their anxiety and prepares them to accept your communication.

I said, “I brought my children with me today so that I could teach them a valuable communication lesson. I told them that when you don't like how something is, it is better to go calmly talk to the person instead of get angry. I told them that they had more of a chance of being understood if they respected the person enough to communicate calmly and give them a personal visit. That is our purpose here today...”

Be Assertive

Aggressive behaviors and communications always disconnect people. And passive/aggressive or passive behaviors disconnect and don't allow others to understand you at all. The only effective form of communication is assertive communication. There is always merit in calmly speaking up so that you can be understood.

Use Diplomacy

Diplomacy is the act of effectively dealing with people based on a feeling of mutual trust. Each person trusts in the goodness of the other, and relates to each other trusting in their good intentions. This skill assumes goodness and excuses small flaws or misunderstandings.

When I want to speak to the kind woman in charge of city facilities I knew she was trying to make everyone who used the facilities comfortable. Some people are most comfortable when they have solitude to exercise. Other people are most comfortable when they can exercise with their children in an environment which encourages a love of exercise; in all its forms.

I tried to make sure she knew I understood that different people feel comfortable in different situations.

Disagree Appropriately

Disagreeing appropriately is one of the four basic skills we need to learn. Even very small children are able to grasp the steps to this simple skill. The hard part is remembering to use the skill instead of reacting to the situation.

While calmly looking at my new acquaintance I explained that I understood her difficult position. After I sought to understand her I said, “I go to the gym with my children for two reasons. I want to encourage them to exercise each day and I don't want to be there alone. I don't feel that it would be safe for a woman to be there all alone, and usually no one else is there...Would it be possible to make a plan for how we can all use the building to fit our needs?...”

The skill, disagreeing appropriate is a problem solving method for life.

Make A Proactive Plan

People thrive when they have a plan. Also, making any changes in behavior or procedure is impossible without a well thought out proactive plan.

In this situation it would be rude of me to come to this person with a concern and not present a proposal for a solution. If I required her to problem solve the whole situation for me, she might be able to see what my family's needs really are, or what my family is willing to do to make the situation work for all people.

I said, “What if we carried on as we have always done for the past two years when no other patrons are at the facility, and then we adjust our activities if others want to use the building? We could ask the other exercisers if they mind our basketballs or roller blades, or I could just give my children an instruction to walk during the time other people are there. Would that work?...”

The Magical Moment

This kind woman really understood our concern and seemed to appreciate the fact that we understood what others could be feeling too. She thought our plan was acceptable and agreed to allowing us to follow through with it. Her decision was a magical moment for my children.

Prior to going to the city offices, I told my children that the city might say no to our suggestions, and that if we got a no answer we would accept it and stay calm. But, this wonderful woman chose to accept the disagreement and practice diplomacy too. She trusted our goodness, just like we trusted in hers.

I am happy that my children will always have this experience at city hall to reflect back upon. They will always know that speaking up in a kind understanding way solves problems, while stewing and getting angry because you don't want something to change never solves anything.

Buy Nicholeen's New Teaching Self-Government Family Tutorial DVD Set, or other books and audio courses.

Oh, the Cunningness of Satan!

This week was our spring break and, in search of warmer weather and sunshine, we headed south to St. George.  However, a cold front moved in just before we headed out.  Although St. George found us in warmer weather than the 30 degree temperatures at home, it was still a little chilly compared to what we expected.  The pool was closed but we had a grand time hiking and exploring in Zion’s National Park.  Since we were so close, we decided to make the two hour drive to Las Vegas for the afternoon.  I had researched all the fun and free things to do with kids there; aquariums, lions, white tigers, light and water shows, techtronics…It all sounded great!  I had been to Las Vegas a handful of times growing up and always thought it was fun.

We spent hours walking the strip and looking for the amazing things on my list.  Problem was, all the things to see were conveniently located in the middle of each casino.  That meant wandering around through the smoky haze of one-armed bandits looking for the ‘kid-friendly’ attractions.  Traveling down the strip on foot with five kids made the casinos that had something we were interested in seem very far apart.  Still, I thought we were having an adventure.   I remember being impressed that no one standing on the street with pamphlets and pornography had even once tried to hand any to us.  I thought, “Look, they are being respectful of us because we are here as a family.  See, Las Vegas can be enjoyed by families like us without worry.”  I knew that some people thought that Vegas was a horrible place but I had always had fun there without drinking or gambling.  Besides, our family had a technique we learned from the Duggars to help our boys avoid things they shouldn’t see.  We had been doing this for a couple of years and the kids were pretty well conditioned.  Upon approaching something that we thought they didn’t need to see, like a girl that was dressed immodestly or the windows of the Victoria Secret store in the mall, we would say “Nike”.  That was code for the boys to look at their shoes until they were told the coast was clear.  If we came across something in Vegas, we could use this technique to avoid it.

At one point in our search for those cool things to see, I looked down at the ground to maneuver the stroller over a curb and was sickened to realize that the pornographic pamphlets were littering the ground by the dozens.  No one had to hand us any brochures because they knew that all we had to do was look down to see everything they had to offer.  Oh, the cunningness of Satan!  I was sickened to realize that, not only had I not protected my sons from temptation, I had paraded them straight through it!  In the pursuit of pleasure and adventure, I had discounted the enticings of the devil as something that could be withstood and even overlooked.  While this is an extreme example, I am afraid that there are other, more subtle ways in which the adversary successfully lulls us into a false sense of security when temptation and dangers are lurking.  It is in the books and movies and tv shows and music and youtube videos and facebook postings and text messages.  And, while we can’t shield our children from every evil and temptation in the world, I can be much more vigilant in standing firm and not falling to the tendency to overlook “just a few little things”.

We ended our spring break vacation with a trip to the St. George temple.  My two oldest children were able to go in and be baptized and confirmed for the dead by their dad.  How grateful I was for their worthiness and desire to be there!  How much I want to do all I can to foster that desire and to fill up their lives with opportunities that invite the Spirit and grow their testimonies! That is so much more important than glitter and glitz and neon signs and empty pleasures.   Satan may have walked away laughing that night in Las Vegas – I want to make sure he doesn’t get that chance again.

"Gird Up Your Loins, Fresh Courage Take"

Just when I thought that this past General Conference of April 2013 could not possibly answer any more questions, encourage any more action, or offer any more peace, the closing song of the Sunday morning session put me in tears.  As the Mormon Tabernacle Choir began to sing “Come, Come Ye Saints”[i]  and my feet tingled with the bass on my stereo system, my heart tingled with the knowledge that this staple hymn was not written just to comfort the early Saints, pioneers virtuously walking out across the firm ground of the country, but also to comfort Saints today, pioneers standing firm in a country that’s walking out on virtue.

Weighed down as of late by wars and rumors of wars, escalating secularism and persecution of religious peoples, permeating immorality, and the increasing encroachment of government and erosion of liberty, I have counted the minutes until General Conference this year. While none of these burdens is a surprise, the load taken together is heavier than I anticipated when imagining the last days. I think, for me, the final stressful straw has been the threats to education.[ii]  The battle for the hearts, minds, and wills of the youth is paramount.  Surely there is anxiety over the fate of my homeschool which is sacred to me.  But no longer is it just about MY children and MY parental rights, and OUR agency.  It’s not even just about my grandchildren or great-children.  The ignorance and apathy of many parents of my generation alarms me; the fate of ANY and ALL children being left to (or forced to) anyone who intends to brainwash, dumb down, use, and in truth harm them should alarm us all.  It should not set us to hand wringing and helpless weeping.  It should send us to our knees, then to practical action.  This is one of the many messages I took from Conference.  Amidst all the wisdom, prophecy, and counsel, I learned a bit about how to be a faithful lover AND a fighter.

Will it be easy?  Of course not.  Absolutely not.  But just as our pioneer ancestors had their part to play in building the kingdom of God, so have we. They didn’t sit, nor should we. And on those girding[iii] days when the hill is high, the journey is long, and the burden is heavy, we can “fresh courage take” with these words:

Come, come ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;

But with joy wend your way.

Though hard to you this journey may appear,

Grace shall be as your day.

“Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares from us to drive;

Do this, and joy your hearts will swell—

All is well!  All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

‘Tis not so; all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we’ll have this tale to tell—

All is well!  All is well

[i] LDS Hymn #30, “Come, Come Ye Saints,” by William Clayton, 1814-1879

[ii]http://www.utahnsagainstcommoncore.com/

[iii] See definitions 3 and 4 at http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Girding

Exploring Together: A Little Piece of Paradise - by Louisa Wells

The roar of the outboard motor drowned out all sounds as we raced across the bright blue ocean. My husband, Patrick, and I had left our children with my parents the day before. Together, he and I had flown to a tiny Tongan island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Upon our arrival, we learned of a snorkel trip planned for the next day. Following my life’s motto that “it is cheaper to do it now than to come back again later,” we had signed up immediately. I felt nervous about swimming in unknown waters, yet thrilled to try snorkeling for the 2nd time in my life. As the sun warmed us perfectly, we zipped along towards our destination.

Arriving at the preplanned anchor spot, our guide inspired me to regard him as a teacher instead of a beach bum. Initially, he surprised me with a bit of useful information. It was significantly more academic than I had expected from a sunburned Aussie on a barely-inhabited island. So, I asked a question I had been pondering: “What kind of rocks are on the beaches here?” I had begun wondering about the rocks on our first day at the beach. They were porous and very sharp. They appeared dark and yet not at all volcanic. This surprised me because prior to the trip I had read that the Tongan Islands were atolls. I could not make sense of it in my mind, and I was the only person in my family who seemed bothered by the discrepancy. When our guide quickly and easily identified the rocks as coral limestone- essentially petrified coral- I felt euphoric and knew I could learn volumes from this unlikely mentor.

The remainder of my experience changed from a sight-seeing trip to a nature study excursion. Once I determined that our snorkel guide could help me study nature, rather than simply observe it, my approach changed. Rather than simply looking for interesting or colorful fish, I was looking for questions. I tried to find things I did not understand to ask him about. He would answer each question and explain what else I would observe nearby. I would jack-knife dive down to the coral reef searching for what he had described. One by one, the other participants boarded the boat and waited for me to finish. I swam alone until I felt it would be impolite to keep everyone waiting any longer, and then I climbed aboard. The others had blank stares in their eyes- they really appeared bored. I felt breathless and enlivened. I wished I could stay longer. I wanted to study every inch of that coral reef.

Our morning in the ocean was not my first, nor certainly my last, nature study journey. I had grown up spending time hiking and camping with my dad. Some of my earliest happy memories had taken place in the Wasatch mountains. I had always enjoyed being out in nature, but I had been a fairly passive participant. I enjoyed the outdoor activities, but I did not give much specific thought to the creations around me. A change in me occurred when I began studying nature with my children. Their incessant questions taught me to be more curious. Children wonder so many things; nature study comes rather instinctively to them. Thankfully, we homeschool moms get to enjoy the journey with them.

Nature study adventures have been an integral part of our homeschool from the very beginning. When my oldest was in preschool and we were choosing a curriculum, I learned that early literacy will improve more and easier if children are given something to be literate about, rather than simply taught literacy skills. Nature was an obvious place to start because it is such a tangible topic to introduce to children. It is fascinating, encompassing, and abundant. Children can learn about it by observation, experience, and reasoning, not just by regurgitation. We have found available nature to study wherever we have lived - even in a city center apartment. We have also found many friends whose willingness to join us in our excursions has increased safety, accountability, and fun. Most importantly, we have strengthened our relationships and come to regard our time exploring together as a little piece of paradise. Although the annual amount of time we can devote to nature study varies with life’s changes, we make sure to include it on the schedule of each semester’s school plans.

Including nature study in your homeschool is simple, but not necessarily easy. Most of us feel more comfortable with a curriculum to follow and a rubric to assess our efforts. Nature study does not lend itself to those structures very well. Instead, we must look around ourselves, find the resources that we have, schedule a time to go exploring, and then follow through regardless of the weather. In addition, we have to accept the fact that sometimes there are no perceptible “outcomes” until much later. The challenge, then, is to find a way to keep it simple while providing enough structure for your family’s learning life style.

At the LDSHE convention this May, I will explain how to make nature study simple and achievable in my class entitled “Exploring Together: Every Family Can Do Nature Study.” The class will not be based on any particular philosophical approach. Instead, I will provide some practical, down-to-earth advice about why and how to accomplish nature study, and how to improve it if you are already doing it. Although I am not an expert, nor a scientist, I am excited to share my passion about nature. I hope that at the end of my class, you will feel encouraged that your family can explore nature together no matter where you live so that you, too, can experience a little piece of paradise.

- Louisa Wells loves experiencing nature. Some of her earliest memories are of hikes and camping trips with her dad. She is a mother of five children, and she has been sharing nature with them their entire lives. Although her children definitely learn from their adventures, Louisa feels that she is really the one who is learning the most.

More Time Management for Right Brain Minds! Time Maps and the 80/20 Principles

Have you ever heard of a Time Map? I hadn’t until a few years ago when a planner I purchased included time maps. I had no idea what they were or how to use them, but now I can’t live without them!

A time map allows you to see where you are spending your time. You can use one to plan your time or you can fill it in as you move through the day and see where your time really goes. You don’t have to have a fancy one. A piece of paper will do. To make one, jot down on one side of the paper the time from when you get up in the morning until you go to bed, or from when you start school until dinner time. Use what chunk of time you are trying to plan. Across the top make spaces for each day of the week, such as Monday thru Friday or Sunday through Saturday, however you work your week.

Now the fun begins. On your map block out the hours you plan on schooling. Then block out each of the afternoon activities you or your children are doing each day. Next, block out times for things like cleaning, making meals, eating those meals, etc. Add anything that to the map that requires your time. Now sit back and look at your schedule. Do you have time for everything you have committed too? Can you see you will have to clone yourself in order to take kids to two different places at the same time? Can you see the reason your family never has a sit down dinner on Tuesday nights? Or Wednesday? Or Thursday?

map
map

In the picture you can see a time map I borrowed from one of my children. Hers is prettier than mine so we will use this one.  My daughter color codes hers so she can see how all her activities fit together. She has goals that say she wants to commit five hours a week to piano practicing. By color coding she can see how she will accomplish that goal. She can also see if she is spending too much time with things that are not in keeping with her goals. She can then decide to either change the goal or change some things so she can spend more time pursing it. In other words, a time map can give you permission to say no!

I love my time maps. I work a part time job and I also have other large time commitments.  My job is flexible and I work from home.  I can use my time map to fit the job into those times when my kids don’t need me. Since homeschooling is my primary focus, I can make sure that those hours are available for my children and not for something that is urgent, but not important. I like to have my week planned before I head to church. It is usually at church that I say yes to things that mess up my schedule. Yes, I can go visiting teaching on Thursday afternoon, and help with scouts on Tuesday and watch Sister Jones’ children on Monday morning so she can…… well, you get the idea. Each of these things is important, but if I haven’t planned my week I won’t remember we have dentist appointments Thursday afternoon, so I can’t go visiting teaching. A better time would be Friday. Knowing where and to whom you are always saying yes to, and making sure you know your time schedule, will save you a lot of hassle and as I said, let you say no with grace. Or say yes with enthusiasm!

This leads us to the next two principles. They are called the 80/20 principles. The first one states that 20 percent of your efforts accomplish 80 percent of your goal. In other words, 20 percent of your time and efforts get 80 percent of the job done. The question then becomes, is the project worth the other 80 percent of your time. Sometimes it is, mostly it isn’t. Many times we moms think we have to give everything 100 percent effort in order for it to count. If we don’t we feel guilty. In reality, some things we do really don’t require that extra 80%. An example would be if you were asked to bring cookies to a scouting event. Plain chocolate chip cookies will be wolfed down by the scouts as quickly as hand decorated sugar cookies with each boys name on them. Which one will take less effort and still accomplish the goal of having cookies at the scout event?

Now, if those cookies were to recognize each of the boys for having achieved an award, then your 80% more effort would be worth your time. Can you see the difference? Our inability to tell that difference has helped perpetuate the snickers about RS table decorations and elaborate lesson handouts. The 80/20 principle helps us know where to draw that line.

The second 80/20 principle has to do with your time. Never schedule more than 80% of your time. Leave 20% percent blank. Why? Because disasters happen. Such as your two year old deciding to decorate the dog with five pounds of honey (this happened to me!). You can’t wait until later to take care of it! And it’s going to take awhile! If you have things and places happening 24/7,  when something like this happens you blow the rest of the day because there is no cushion of time for calamity, and as we all know children and calamity go hand in hand! When each activity leads to the next you can’t make adjustments. Stuff happens!  Make sure you plan for it.

This 80/20 principle applies in another respect. One of the reasons we want to be home with our children is to build relationships with them. You can’t do that when you are over-scheduled!  When your child wants to snuggle on the couch with you and read a book that’s what you do. When they find an exciting activity for school, you run with it. They grow up so fast and there will come a day when they won’t want to do those things anymore. Don’t schedule so many activities that these special moments can’t happen.

And finally we all need down time!  The 80/20 principle helps is with this as well. We can’t run from activity to activity without taking time to rest and recover! This I believe is one of the leading causes of homeschool burnout. We try to do it all and make sure we do it all today! In by gone days, families spent each evening together, eating dinner, reading together, sitting on the porch watching the kids play. Maybe we need to start adding these activities to our schedules!

Time maps and the 80/20 principles can really help you see where you spend your time and efforts. Maybe you are great at balancing things. If so, pat yourself on the back. If you struggle with over planning, time maps can help you learn to say no to those things that take away from what you really want to do. Go make a time map today and see!

Gettin' Your Game On...

This year winter in our area has been extreme cold coupled with a bad inversion, which means we’ve been spending a lot more time than usual indoors. With a Kindergartener, a Preschooler, a toddler, and a bun in the oven, dealing with the pent-up energy has been quite the challenge for me. We’ve had to change things up a bit around our house to be accommodating.

Probably the most successful way I’ve found to keep everyone happy, is to turn our learning into games. I try to do this more or less all year long, but during these cold weeks it seems to be the saving grace keeping us from going insane, while still allowing us to accomplish some resemblance of “school”. I’ll share three of our favorites, because I think they are fun and can be adapted to a variety of subjects.

Nerf Gun Matching

This is a pretty simple game. I made a homemade dice with simple three and four letter words on it, and printed out pictures of each of those words and taped them onto small paper plates. Then I hung the paper plates up on the wall. My Kindergartener has to roll the dice, read the word, then using a Nerf Gun shoot the picture that best matches the word he rolled on the dice. You could also use this game for matching capitol and lower case letters, shapes, colors, math problems, counting, etc.  And you don’t have to use a Nerf gun either, a ball or a paper air plane would work just as well.

Swat the Bug

bugs
bugs

For this game, you’ll need a poster board, a fly swatter (or two depending on how many players you want playing at the same time), and about 20 bug shapes cut out of a variety of colored paper. Glue the bugs onto the poster board. We happened to be talking about simple words that start with D the day we played this game, so on each of my bugs I wrote a D word, but again the possibilities are pretty endless. Then I made cards, one card for every bug. In our version of the game, we had two players. I drew a card and read the word ‘dog’, then the two players had to find the bug with the word ‘dog’ on it and swat it. First one to swat was the winner.

Fish-collage
Fish-collage

Gone FishingI saved my favorite game for last. I like this game because all three of my kids can play together without my having to change the game to adapt it for one level or the other…it already comes that way. You’ll need several sheets of craft foam in different colors. Trace a simple fish pattern onto foam and cut out. How many fish you make is entirely up to you and how long you want to fish for.  I made about 30. My Kindergarten has been working on the “when two vowels go walking the first one does the talking” rule. So, on one side of each fish I wrote words like road, laid, beat, etc. that I wanted him to practice. My preschooler is just starting to sound out simple words, so on the other side of each fish I wrote words like cat, dog, mom, etc. And my toddler is working on her colors, hence the different colored fish. I stuck a metal paper clip onto the nose of each fish. Then I had my Kindergartener make me a fishing pole out of Trios (but anything long and strait would work just fine) and we tied a piece of yarn to it, and a circular magnet onto the other end of the yarn for a fishing pole. Next we filled up the bathtub and dropped the fish in. The kids took turns catching the fish, and either reading the appropriate word for their age level, or telling me the color of the fish, depending on who was fishing.

Forward With Faith

by Kelly Royster

I remember when I first considered the idea of homeschooling. I was gung-ho and confident until the big yellow school bus came by and picked up everyone’s kids but mine. Then reality hit; what was I thinking?? Fortunately I had armed myself with a small arsenal of knowledge that really helped me confront some of the scarier issues that beginning homeschoolers face, such as homeschooling within the law, curriculum choices and the dreaded ‘s’ word (socialization!) Perhaps you have some of these same fears. Or maybe you just want to connect with other Moms who have been there and done that and see what life in the thick of homeschooling looks like. If so, then I have a suggestion for you! The LDSHE Beginner’s Seminar! It’s a day full of classes that address these very issues and more.

When I first considered home education I was worried about reporting to the “authorities.” I wanted to make sure I turned in the correct information for testing, attendance and whatever else might be required. The Legal How-To's class addresses how to dot all i’s and cross all t’s when working with school administrators. It also deals with record keeping so you have the information needed to keep track of your child’s progress.

I wasn’t as worried about my ability to teach as much as I was worried about what to teach and when to teach it. And with the ever-increasing number of homeschoolers, more and more great curriculum is available. How does one choose and why? What is a classical education? Or TJEd? The Curriculum Conundrums class addresses the different homeschooling philosophies and curriculum choices and helps you sort through them to discover what direction you may want to take your family’s education. At the end of this class there will be a curriculum browse giving you the chance to look at actual curriculum and talk to other moms about why and how a particular program worked for their family.

And of course my mother in law was worried about my kids not being ‘normal’ or socialized like other children. Maybe your husband is worried about your son playing high school football. Sports, Socialization and Grandparents is a class that covers these topics and helps you address the concerns of well-meaning family and friends.

One of the best things about the Seminar is the opportunity to hear from ‘veteran’ homeschool Moms and glean wisdom from those who are in the trenches of home education. The Daily Routines class follows three different Moms through a day in the life of their homeschool. You’ll get an idea of how a typical day at their house looks and gain some ideas for your own school day. There will also be plenty of one on one time with these Mentor Moms during the curriculum browse, during breaks and at the end of the day during our Mix and Mingle with Mentor Moms.

This is an LDS Conference and the day wouldn’t be complete without a class that emphasizes the opportunity we have to offer our children a uniquely LDS education. How can we best apply gospel principles in the education of the little ones entrusted to our care? We live in the “great and terrible” day of the Lord and our children can be the great among the terrible if we nourish them with knowledge and intelligence.

Kelly is a Virginia native and currently resides in Louisa County, VA with her husband Scott, her four beautiful daughters ages 6-14, and a new baby. Kelly attended BYU and received a BA in Linguistics and a TESL Certificate. She grew up dancing, and while at school, she performed with the BYU Theatre Ballet, touring across the western US and South Africa. Currently a full-time homeschool mom, she teaches ballet at a local studio and to the gymnasts at her daughter's gym. Kelly also enjoys gardens, chickens, herbs, reading, music, camping and learning languages.

Something's Got To Give...

It was almost with a sense of glee that I erased events off my calendar when my children all came down with the flu this winter. I only felt the tiniest bit of guilt as I thought about how great it was going to be to just sit around and read books and watch movies together and not go anywhere. It crossed my mind that those feelings might be an indication that we were over-scheduled, but it wasn’t until sometime in December that I realized we really had a problem. In between an insane amount of running around, I was spending more time daydreaming about having a mental breakdown than I was enjoying the Christmas season. When the thought of losing your mind, so you can get out of your commitments, seems like a good idea, you know something’s got to give!

Everyone kept telling me, you need to learn to say “no”. Saying “no” wasn’t the problem; I could say no to lots of things: I said “no” to my exercise time; I said “no” to sitting down and eating a healthy breakfast; I said “no” to sleep; I said “no” to my visiting teachers when I didn’t have time for their visit; I said “no” to devotional when our morning was just too crazy; and I even said “no” to the sign-up sheet at church asking us to make center pieces for the ward party.

The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t say “no”, it was that I kept saying “yes” to my kids: “yes” you can take dance lessons, yoga and piano; “yes” I will drive you to swim team, theater practice, robotics, book club, and scouts; “yes” you can get another new pet, and I will drive to the pet store every week to get it fresh crickets; “yes” I will spend hours every week volunteering at your co-ops; “yes”, my little one, you can crawl into my bed in the wee hours of the morning; and “yes”, my teenagers, you can keep me up talking half the night.

I want to give my kids everything. I want them to have access to every educational opportunity, to be exposed to great ideas and great people, to have friends and time to socialize with other kids.  I want them to feel that my time and attention is always at their disposal. I also want them to have a mother who is sane, one who doesn’t wish illness on them so she can have two minutes to breathe.

So, we started to cut things out. It was a painful process for all of us. We dropped out of dance lessons, book club, theater and one of our co-ops. I’m working on enforcing how early and late my kids can demand my attention. Overall, life has been much more peaceful and mom has been a lot less grumpy, but I still alternate between feeling grateful for the space on the day’s schedule and feeling like there’s enough room to squeeze something else in. I just have to remind myself that every commitment I make is taking away opportunities for spontaneous activities, family bonding and peaceful reflection. I need quiet time in my life to be the mother who can say “yes” to the most important things in life.

Book Reviews: Getting to the Heart of the Matter

When it comes to kids misbehaving, I think we homeschooling parents see more than the average parent.  We spend more time with our children and take responsibility for more of our families’ lives, so it’s inevitable that we get more parenting practice.

Don’t we all want to be a little more like Atticus in "To Kill a Mockingbird" and a little less like the Wicked Witch of the West?  We hope to be the wise parent who understands her child, who really listens and gently guides the child.

We won’t find advice for this type of parenting in most parenting books.  We do find helpful counsel in the scriptures, most pointedly at the end of D&C 121.  But sometimes it’s nice to get even more specific direction to point us toward our general goals.

I’d like to share some books that are helping me to be a better parent.  These three books all focus on one main idea:  it’s not about whether or not you love your kids.  We assume you love your kids.  It’s about whether or not your kids feel loved.

Gary Chapman’s "The Five Love Languages of Children" is the most famous of these three. This book is part of a series that teaches us how to show our love not in the way we think shows love, but to instead consider what makes the child feel loved.  Chapman describes five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  Then he invites us to thoughtfully determine which language is the main conduit for love for each of our children.  Each language has a chapter that teaches how to use it.  For example, for words of affirmation, he shows us how to increase those words, and also shows why negative words (that we might say while disciplining) are extra-damaging to a child who receives love in that way.

In "Shepherding a Child’s Heart", Tedd Tripp teaches us how each child’s behavior comes from his heart.  Behaviors are just symptoms of what’s going on inside.  The wisest thing I learned from this book is that when a child does something “wrong,” it’s a great teaching opportunity.  So at the ward dinner when Johnny races in front of the elderly ladies to get to the front of the food line, that’s my responsibility to notice that Johnny hasn’t learned yet to consider others’ feelings or what might be expected of him in that public situation.  And that’s my window to gently teach him what to do next time.  I don’t agree with Tripp on everything, but this was a valuable insight:  misbehavior is a teaching opportunity, not a sign that the child is bad.

These first two books are a worthy introduction to the third.  Alfie Kohn’s book "Unconditional Parenting" is not for the faint of heart.  Reading anything by Kohn is intimidating because he questions so many things that are normal in our culture.  And he’s so darn convincing, that if you’re anything like me, you’ll start wishing you had done plenty of things differently.

Kohn takes on not just spanking and punishment, but also common parenting strategies like time-outs, catching your child doing something good, positive reinforcement, and even praise.  And he cites plenty of studies to back all this craziness up.  So beware:  don’t read this book expecting kudos for whatever parenting strategies you’re currently using.  Only read this book if you are interested in questioning the status quo and making positive changes.  Don’t get me wrong.  The changes you make will be positive ones, but it will probably entail letting go of engrained habits.

Kohn begins by showing that what we really mean when we say a child is “good” is that the child doesn’t cause too much trouble for us grownups.  Is that really a valuable goal for us to have for our kids--that they won’t cause trouble for people?  What do we really want for our kids long-term?  Do we want passivity and compliance?  Or would we rather have them become thoughtful people who stand up for what’s right?  If what we want is ethical, compassionate, and honorable behavior from our kids, we have to stop using parenting techniques which lead them in the opposite way.

Kohn teaches us how to show unconditional, non-judgmental love to our children.  When kids (or adults, for that matter) feel emotionally safe, they aren’t afraid to tell us if they do something wrong, and they’re more open to our teaching and advice.

I’ve had experiences with kids who refuse to talk to me, answering every question with “I don’t know.”  And I’ve also had experiences with kids being honest and unafraid to tell me about a problem they’re having.  You can guess which experience I prefer.

If you’re worried that unconditional love might be code for “the kids do whatever they want,” don’t be.  Unconditional love simply means that your love and your comfort are constant—whether the child is pleasing you at that moment or not.  When I ponder the way Heavenly Father and Jesus parent me as their child, this unconditional love is what I feel.  They have encouraged and forgiven and helped me even when—especially when—I least deserved it.  I’m forever thankful for the way they treat me, and I hope to learn how to consistently treat my kids the same way.

The kinds of relationships that we can develop with our kids when we show them the same respect we would like to receive gives us much more influence with them than we will have if we rely on rewards and punishments.  With the latter, we essentially teach them that they should always please us. But if we keep our eyes on our long-term goals for our kids, we can be less judgmental and less discouraging toward them, which will help our kids come to us when they need help and be open to our (hopefully inspired) guidance. And won’t we be better able to bring up our children in light and truth when we can teach and guide them instead of just bossing them around?

Instead of conversations that let them know only that we’re displeased, we can have conversations that help them think about how their actions affect other people, help them see what they could do differently next time, or help them learn how to repent.  This kind of heart-to-heart can happen only when the child feels emotionally safe, and only if we’re looking past the behavior into the child’s true essence.  Kohn repeatedly reminds us that behind the most destructive thing done and the most unkind word said is a vulnerable child.

Gary Chapman’s and Tedd Tripp’s books can easily be called inspiring, while to say that  Alfie Kohn is provocative is an immense understatement.  Still, we homeschoolers are investing so much time in our kids that we have an extra incentive to build good relationships and make that time positive, happy, and Spirit-filled.  And for those goals, all three of these authors have constructive ideas which are helping at least this mom become a better parent.